"even if your hope has burned with time, anything that is dead shall be re-grown, and your vicious pain, your warning sign: you will be fine"

I'm not quite sure what to make of things lately. My family life is great. I'm happy in that. But I'm finding myself depressed. I've always suffered from depression at points in my life, but its starting to come back. In the fact that I can't seem to find a job, I'm not getting any custom orders (I haven't yet posted on eBay or Etsy yet so I don't know how well that will work, but I will be posting) and its starting to wear me down.

I'm trying to work through it, trying to keep myself busy. I have very few distraction from these feelings and emotions other than Adam and Miss Lily most days, and it gets a little hard. I've debated on even opening up about this in writing. I don't want to play the whole "pity me card". I just need an outlet. A place to vent. Adam and I have talked about it, he knows how I'm feeling.

I also feel like some people are avoiding me. And I'm not helping matters much. But I just feel like I'm that wallflower, sitting in the corner, keeping quiet but deep down wishing someone would ask me to do something. Story of my life though. I was always the quiet wall-flower. Not much has changed in ten years I suppose. I'm not as shy as I used to be, but there are some things that you just can't change about a person. Hehe.

In more exciting and not so depressing news! Miss Lillian is trying her best to start walking. She takes two to three steps at a time toward something she really wants. Be it mommy or daddy, or one of the cats, or a toy she's eyeing. She's awesome at standing and sitting down carefully. She's talking and understanding you, responding and all that. Lily is an amazing little girl. We are so blessed. Lily and her father are the lights of my life.

I think I should try to go to bed before 3am tonight. It's been hard making it there lately..

"Hand in hand watching meteors and stars on the midnight sky"

Things haven't been too exciting around home lately... just kinda the norm. I never heard back from JoAnns, which really got me down. I was fairly certain since I had previous experience at a JoAnn's, plus all my sewing experience, I would've had it in the bag. But, its been a few weeks now. Next time I go in, I may ask them if they've even started calling for interviews...

Mother's Day was nice, :) quiet. But thats a good thing. We had a family night and ate manicotti, one of my favorites. I got a Dollhouse puzzle which I put together rather quick (I couldn't stop!) and some jewelry. I went with Shirley (Adam's mother) to a new bead-stores grand opening on friday night and we made earrings and looked at amazing beads and charms. That store I fear, will become addicting! I did get an inquiry on the earrings I made, looks like I may be selling pairs similiar to them :)

Lillian is ever growing... stubborn. Today every five minutes, one word came out of my mouth: no. She wanted to bang her juice on the tv stand, she wanted to play with the dvds, wanted to play on the fish-tank stand (which is anchored to the wall, but still), wanted to eat, didn't want to eat, kept signaling she was ready for a nap, but then wouldn't take one. Being a mother, while amazing, is confusing and at times stressful. I did, however manage to get quite a bit of work done. How does that work? I now have three corsets ready to be posted and sold. I just need to get good pictures of them before I do.

I need to get good pictures of all my creations. A friend is working on a website design for me and pictures will be needed! So I need to stop being lazy... well, its not so much that I'm lazy so much as finding the time for it is a little hard. Miss Lily takes up most of my time, but thats okay. I love her.

And I really should get to bed. I've been staying up way too late these last few weeks. I've been suffering from a case of insomnia. Sigh.

"leather and jeans, we'd be so fantastical"

So. We've determined that this time around, I probably have the flu. Why? My back is hurting like crazy. UGH. Adam even popped my back for me and its still hurting! It helped for a little bit though.

So no staying up until 5am tonight. Not that I did it on purpose. I just couldn't fall asleep! I tossed, turned, rolled over, drank water, watched TCM and tried passing out so many times. Didn't manage it until finally 5am. And Lily woke up at 6am and wanted in bed with us. But thats okay. We napped quite a bit today. She was a trooper. I spent most of my time laying on the couch while Adam was at work and she managed to not get into too much trouble. A few "no"s here and there prevented that.

Tonight I tried getting some work done... but after a few rather wet (icky!) sneezes, I decided it was best to not work right now. I wrote out what I need to finish before I can start working on other projects. I will take orders, but nothing else. Though right now I'm really wanting to start a new 18th century corset for me :P

"next phase, next craze, next nothing new"

So I'm sick. Again. This is what, the third time in the last month and a half? What's up with that? Is the universe trying to tell me something? The last three me-day's I've had, I've wanted to clean house and get work done on corsets, and the last three me-day's I've had, I've ended up on the couch like a vegetable trying to feel better. I did manage to get some hand-sewing work done today. But not much.

I dropped an application off at JoAnn's on wednesday. Adam's parent's would be able to watch Miss Lillian for a little bit until he got off work so I could work evenings. I kinda hope I get this job. My UI benefits will be running out here on May 12th. I will apply for the third tier of UI beni's, but theres no idea of knowing if I'd actually get it. Not with all the changes in government these days. One day its all gravy, the next, congress doesn't know about emergency UI. Make up your minds!

I believe my chances are good however. I worked at a JoAnn's in Denver and I really loved it there. Plus, 13+ years of active sewing experience and fabric knowledge. Fingers crossed!

I'm slightly irritated. My replacement die's haven't arrived for my grommet setter. And so far no one in town sells Home Pro tools. I checked out one of the local scrapbooking specialty stores and they hadn't even heard of it! So far it looks like I'm going to have to order everything for it online. And 2pc grommets are wicked expensive! I'm thinking of saving up $60 and buying a bag of 1000 2pc grommets on eBay. I'd have enough for awhile!

On Wednesday we had Lillian's 1 year well child check! She looks great :) 30" long,  20lbs 8oz weight. She crawls all over the place! She hasn't tried walking yet, but free-stands all the time. Her birthday was alot of fun. She got's lots of swag from friends and family and really loved the kids that came to her party.

With her gift cards we went to Target and found her a few toys, and a "cube"/table for her to store toys in the living room. And she can put her other toys up on it to play. We were aiming for an activity table, but we spotted a few other things she was more interested in, and found this bright pink cube for $5 on clearance!! And since I had a little bit extra, we also found BOOKSHELVES that were originally $30+ for $5 and $8!!! So we spent a bit on us so we could nab those up. I wanted a tall bookshelf in the bedroom to store my books and our "R" rated movies so Lily doesn't get into those.

"I'm waiting for the night drifting away on the waves of my dreams to another day"

The last few days have been a mix of stressed, fun filled and confusing.

Yesterday was Lillian's first birthday and we woke up to no power. Now, I had a payment arrangement with the power company and they showed on my bills how much was due on a certain date along side my current charges. But on my last two bills, this was absent, so, I thought I was caught up. Apparently not. So yesterday was a race to borrow money so we could get the power turned back on, then when it wasn't back on by 6pm, I called to find out if they could send someone out, but they wanted to charge us $150, in cash, for them to send someone out to us. I was resolved to not have power last night because we didn't have the money in the first place to pay the remaining balance to get it turned back on. But I recieved a call while we were at JoAnn's (I was picking up a job application... yay, I may have a job soon!) and we rushed home so they could turn it back on. We chatted with the really awesome man and then enjoyed our night of power.

Another horrid thing happened yesterday, I fell while holding Lillian. Somehow, I managed to hold her just right to where she didn't get hurt. Her head did graze the floor slightly, but it wasn't even a tap apparently. She has no bruise, no egg, not even a sore spot. But I scraped my elbow, banged up my knee and did something to my hip. Last night my knee was aching, today its my hip. Great. More hip problems. After my car accident two years ago, all I needed was another thing to happen to my hips. But all in all, I am so grateful that nothing happened to Lily. I felt awful, but it seemed she just got really scared.

On Sunday we had Lillian's birthday party, which had a great turn out! About 3/4 of the people we invited showed up, so that was awesome. And Lily was an absolute princess. She was so social and happy. She got a little fussy toward the end, but she had a busy day, without a nap! She got on great with Cashton and my friend Alexa's Lily. It was super cute, :)

She got great gifts and I need to get some thank you cards put together and send those out.

Adam and I have been talking about having another tiki themed party, but this time for our birthday. Since it'll be late summer and still perfect weather for a BBQ, I think we might try for it. We haven't done much for our birthday the last two years, but we may try to do something this year. We set up the gazebo and we have tons of the party decorations stil. Good to reuse that stuff!  If we do have this party, hopefully I'll have lost more weight and I can make my dress. I have a pattern in mind, and I already have the fabric I'd like to use.

On my weight loss progress, I've officially lost about 16lbs, then Lillian's party with cake and junk food set me back about 2...  Meghan! We need to go walking! :) I'd like to try and walk every other day. Weather pending. I think Lillian and I may start to go later in the day (post 4pm so the sun isn't as strong) and power walk down the bike paths by the river downtown. Get the iPod set up, stroller and coast along. Lily loves walks. I'd love to go with others, but sometimes schedules don't work out. I need to also start using the time she takes naps to use my workout dvds and weights so I can start toning up. I really need to work out the left-over pregnancy belly. And I really want smaller/toned arms :( I've never had that. And I want it.

"Tragic comedy devine, paints the way to piece of mind, leaving shallow lovers far behind"

I haven't made any posts on here recently. But thats okay. Not a whole bunch of exciting things have happened. I found out that I won't be getting a return from the state because Montana is one of the states that doesn't tax UI benefits.

....

So the $200 I was hoping for to use to pay my car registration, is not coming. Really crappy. I was hoping to be able to buy a ticket for Adam to fly down to Denver if Lily and I get to go, but, now that can't happen. It's really dissapointing. I only got $26 back from the state and that was applied to the $76 I owed the state so, now I only have to pay $50 or so at the end of this month and then that will be cleared up. And the $300 from the IRS went to what I owed them, so instead of owing them $800, I now only owe $500. Which is nice. But still a load of BS. I think that my former job should have aided me more in that, seeing as it was their error, and not mine. I only put 1 on my W4, not 4. How they saw "4" from a "1", I do not know.

My setter that I was waiting so anxiously for arrived in the mail today. I opened it like a child on Christmas morning, so excited, only to discover! The dies for setting grommets, there are supposed to be two different pieces, the top and the bottom die... but alas, both were the top dies.

....

Whats up with the bad luck lately? Kinda sucks. It's really unnerving.

"they will not control us, we will be victorious"

I haven't posted on here for a little bit, and this will be a short one because I need to go feed my baby! I had a table at the last DD even here in town, got alot of interest, but made no sales... people don't have money! But now that some know there is a local who does Corsets, hopefully that will bring more in...

I'm hoping to have a table at the next one as well... with more product too! I think the next one will be at or during MisCon so people might have money :P that would be nice!

Off to feed a hungry baby. She's screaming at me...