"even if your hope has burned with time, anything that is dead shall be re-grown, and your vicious pain, your warning sign: you will be fine"

I'm not quite sure what to make of things lately. My family life is great. I'm happy in that. But I'm finding myself depressed. I've always suffered from depression at points in my life, but its starting to come back. In the fact that I can't seem to find a job, I'm not getting any custom orders (I haven't yet posted on eBay or Etsy yet so I don't know how well that will work, but I will be posting) and its starting to wear me down.

I'm trying to work through it, trying to keep myself busy. I have very few distraction from these feelings and emotions other than Adam and Miss Lily most days, and it gets a little hard. I've debated on even opening up about this in writing. I don't want to play the whole "pity me card". I just need an outlet. A place to vent. Adam and I have talked about it, he knows how I'm feeling.

I also feel like some people are avoiding me. And I'm not helping matters much. But I just feel like I'm that wallflower, sitting in the corner, keeping quiet but deep down wishing someone would ask me to do something. Story of my life though. I was always the quiet wall-flower. Not much has changed in ten years I suppose. I'm not as shy as I used to be, but there are some things that you just can't change about a person. Hehe.

In more exciting and not so depressing news! Miss Lillian is trying her best to start walking. She takes two to three steps at a time toward something she really wants. Be it mommy or daddy, or one of the cats, or a toy she's eyeing. She's awesome at standing and sitting down carefully. She's talking and understanding you, responding and all that. Lily is an amazing little girl. We are so blessed. Lily and her father are the lights of my life.

I think I should try to go to bed before 3am tonight. It's been hard making it there lately..

"Hand in hand watching meteors and stars on the midnight sky"

Things haven't been too exciting around home lately... just kinda the norm. I never heard back from JoAnns, which really got me down. I was fairly certain since I had previous experience at a JoAnn's, plus all my sewing experience, I would've had it in the bag. But, its been a few weeks now. Next time I go in, I may ask them if they've even started calling for interviews...

Mother's Day was nice, :) quiet. But thats a good thing. We had a family night and ate manicotti, one of my favorites. I got a Dollhouse puzzle which I put together rather quick (I couldn't stop!) and some jewelry. I went with Shirley (Adam's mother) to a new bead-stores grand opening on friday night and we made earrings and looked at amazing beads and charms. That store I fear, will become addicting! I did get an inquiry on the earrings I made, looks like I may be selling pairs similiar to them :)

Lillian is ever growing... stubborn. Today every five minutes, one word came out of my mouth: no. She wanted to bang her juice on the tv stand, she wanted to play with the dvds, wanted to play on the fish-tank stand (which is anchored to the wall, but still), wanted to eat, didn't want to eat, kept signaling she was ready for a nap, but then wouldn't take one. Being a mother, while amazing, is confusing and at times stressful. I did, however manage to get quite a bit of work done. How does that work? I now have three corsets ready to be posted and sold. I just need to get good pictures of them before I do.

I need to get good pictures of all my creations. A friend is working on a website design for me and pictures will be needed! So I need to stop being lazy... well, its not so much that I'm lazy so much as finding the time for it is a little hard. Miss Lily takes up most of my time, but thats okay. I love her.

And I really should get to bed. I've been staying up way too late these last few weeks. I've been suffering from a case of insomnia. Sigh.

"leather and jeans, we'd be so fantastical"

So. We've determined that this time around, I probably have the flu. Why? My back is hurting like crazy. UGH. Adam even popped my back for me and its still hurting! It helped for a little bit though.

So no staying up until 5am tonight. Not that I did it on purpose. I just couldn't fall asleep! I tossed, turned, rolled over, drank water, watched TCM and tried passing out so many times. Didn't manage it until finally 5am. And Lily woke up at 6am and wanted in bed with us. But thats okay. We napped quite a bit today. She was a trooper. I spent most of my time laying on the couch while Adam was at work and she managed to not get into too much trouble. A few "no"s here and there prevented that.

Tonight I tried getting some work done... but after a few rather wet (icky!) sneezes, I decided it was best to not work right now. I wrote out what I need to finish before I can start working on other projects. I will take orders, but nothing else. Though right now I'm really wanting to start a new 18th century corset for me :P

"next phase, next craze, next nothing new"

So I'm sick. Again. This is what, the third time in the last month and a half? What's up with that? Is the universe trying to tell me something? The last three me-day's I've had, I've wanted to clean house and get work done on corsets, and the last three me-day's I've had, I've ended up on the couch like a vegetable trying to feel better. I did manage to get some hand-sewing work done today. But not much.

I dropped an application off at JoAnn's on wednesday. Adam's parent's would be able to watch Miss Lillian for a little bit until he got off work so I could work evenings. I kinda hope I get this job. My UI benefits will be running out here on May 12th. I will apply for the third tier of UI beni's, but theres no idea of knowing if I'd actually get it. Not with all the changes in government these days. One day its all gravy, the next, congress doesn't know about emergency UI. Make up your minds!

I believe my chances are good however. I worked at a JoAnn's in Denver and I really loved it there. Plus, 13+ years of active sewing experience and fabric knowledge. Fingers crossed!

I'm slightly irritated. My replacement die's haven't arrived for my grommet setter. And so far no one in town sells Home Pro tools. I checked out one of the local scrapbooking specialty stores and they hadn't even heard of it! So far it looks like I'm going to have to order everything for it online. And 2pc grommets are wicked expensive! I'm thinking of saving up $60 and buying a bag of 1000 2pc grommets on eBay. I'd have enough for awhile!

On Wednesday we had Lillian's 1 year well child check! She looks great :) 30" long,  20lbs 8oz weight. She crawls all over the place! She hasn't tried walking yet, but free-stands all the time. Her birthday was alot of fun. She got's lots of swag from friends and family and really loved the kids that came to her party.

With her gift cards we went to Target and found her a few toys, and a "cube"/table for her to store toys in the living room. And she can put her other toys up on it to play. We were aiming for an activity table, but we spotted a few other things she was more interested in, and found this bright pink cube for $5 on clearance!! And since I had a little bit extra, we also found BOOKSHELVES that were originally $30+ for $5 and $8!!! So we spent a bit on us so we could nab those up. I wanted a tall bookshelf in the bedroom to store my books and our "R" rated movies so Lily doesn't get into those.